Busy parent parenting and teen revolution

By Koralia Timotheou

Which is the most common characteristic of the teens?

Rebellion!

Have we, busy parents, wondered which is the driving force behind it?

Hormones?

Maybe so, but let me give you another perspective.

Somewhere there, close to the age of 13, is the first time that average kids feel confident enough to claim their independence. I am not an expert but I am a mother of three and an observer of many. Teenage revolution is a statement towards the world that this kid is no longer an integral part of the parent(s). Our offspring want to start writing their own story. It is normal. It is healthy. It is good. It is to be expected. They want to make their own decisions, their own mistakes, their own little mess, their own mark in the world. They want to explore their dreams, push their limits.

They want to BE!

So let them be.

Their revolution is for us, parents, to acknowledge and for them, kids, to confirm that they CAN.

Usually (again), simply acknowledging them and their intentions, is enough to weave a mutually beneficial treaty: “You may have your way mostly (this is your right) but I will safeguard the boundaries (this is my job)”.

How do you set the boundaries? How do you defend them?

Well, the law is a good boundary to start with! We do live in legislated societies and life is so much easier for everyone if kids learn to respect that. Then on top you can add anything you may agree as priority or moral standard of behavior. Spell it out. Explain it. Make sense. Be a teacher, a coach, a model. Convey to kids values rather than fast rules. Show them consequence and effect. Teach them how to think. Illustrate that hitting that other kid at school is intrusive and harmful, illegal and reactive on their behalf. Emphasize how drug use and alcohol abuse blur mind and judgement and deprive them of their ability to make clear and healthy decisions. Tell them how many wonderful things they can do with money but how they can become handicapped by money-obsession.

Love them and support them – let them feel it.
Talk to them and show them – walk the talk.
Keep a distance and observe – respect their breathing space but be present.
Intervene if you must – you are still a parent.
Help them fix their mistakes - don't fix them on their behalf.
Assist them find their answers – make it neither too easy, nor too hard.
Assess – both you and them will make mistakes. We all do. Change tactics if they don't work for you.
Resume – it never ends!

So next time your teenager gets rebellious, don't take it personally. Take it easy.